Darren Shan Saga OutTakes
by GunnerGirl
Summary: When things in the book didn't go quite as scripted! Just like movie outtakes these are the Darren Shan book outtakes, I plan to do some for each book in the series! Enjoy! Oh and Review!
1. Cirque Du Freak

_**Cirque Du Freak Out-Takes!**_

1) If this was a made-up story, it would begin at night, with a storm blowing and owls hooting and rattling noises under the bed. But this is a real story, so I have to begin where it really started. It started in a toilet.

_(muffled laughter)_

"Shut up Vancha! That's the third time you've done that, I have to re-write the scene _again!_" I whine.

"Sorry, it's just first you're going on about rattling under the bed and then you go on to saying it starts in a toilet… you know me I put these things together and…"

"I know… what are you doing here anyway, go home you don't appear for another seven books yet!"

2) He took one look at me when I raised my hand and said I was ill, then he nodded and told me to make for the toilet.

"Throw up whatever's bugging you Darren," he said, "then get your behind back here."

"Well he's certainly not being bugged by spider's that's for sure sir, he sucked his into a Hoover the stupid sod!" Steve yells. I round on him.

"That joke wasn't funny the first time so why the hell would it be funny the tenth time you say it!" I screech, suppose I have to throw this scene away again.

3) "Long ago," he said, tapping the flyer, "there used to be real freak shows. Greedy con men crammed malformed people into cages and-"

"Sir, what's male-formed mean?" somebody asked.

"The lines _malformed_ not male- formed you dipstick!" I hiss.

4) "How would you like it" she said, "if you were stuck in a cage for people to look at?"

"I'm not a freak," I said huffily.

_(fake coughing) _

"Oi! Don't be nasty, I can get new characters you know!" I yell.

5) "There are more bags under your eyes then in the local supermarket!" everybody laughed at that… no wait a minute, nobody would laugh at that. Come on do I have to write that old gag in, it's an antique! Give me a break!

6) "All right," Allan said," But no shaving,"

_(roars of laughter)_

"It's 'no shoving'," I hiss at him.

"What did I say?" he asks.

"Shaving," I tell him.

_(more laughter)_

7) Then, a second later, a voice inside me yelled "NOW! IT'S YOUR DESTINY! GRAB THE TICKET AND YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOR EVER, WHETHER FOR GOOD OR BAD ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE, GRASP THE TICKET DARREN! GRASP IT!"

"Will you just stick to the script!" I snap.

8) "Why is it so cold?" I asked Steve. "It was warm outside."

"Maybe they've got the air conditioning on," Steve suggests. I hit him over the head.

"Your line is 'old houses are like that," I scream, frustrated.

9) It was the wolf man. He was very ugly, hair all over his body.

"That was uncalled for," Vancha grunts, reading over my shoulder. "I'm not very ugly!"

"I'm not talking about you, get out of here, I told you you're not in it for another seven books so take a hike!" I growl.

10) He said he was a contortionist (somebody with bones like rubber who can bend every which-way)

First he tilted his head back it looked like it had been cut off. Then there was a sharp snapping sound and Alexander ribs groans.

"Darren! It's happened again, my spines jammed, I can't get my neck back up, can you help me buddy? I'm getting too old for this!"

11) She put her hands on her face, one on either side and stroked the skin gently. Then she held her nose shut with two fingers and tickled her chin with the other hand. Then Truska started to giggle.

"Darren don't make me do this, I very ticklish!" she laughs. I cover my face with my hands, just shoot me now!

12) (_take two)_

She put her hands on her face. One on either side and stroked the skin gently. Then she held her nose shut with two fingers and tickled her chin with the other hand. An extraordinary thing happened… she does the loudest fart I have ever heard in my entire life!

13) But yes, he stuck his head in the snake's wide-open mouth! The snake suddenly lets out a vicious sneeze and it's mouth closes on the snake-boys head.

"Evra!" I scream. I drop my writing pad and run over to the snake. "Evra speak to me, are you alright?" I ask, panic stricken.

"I can't breathe!" comes the muffled reply. I wrench open the snakes mouth and pull Evra out, his yellow-green hair is drenched with snake saliva. He is trembling all over.

"Back to therapy?" I ask.

"I think so," he replies.

14) "Your real name is Fur Horston," Steve said and then swore loudly. "I did it again didn't I?" he snaps, I nod, trying not to laugh.

15) Mr. Crepsley shook his head with disgust "Children!" he snarled, "I hate children. What is it you want? Money? Jewels? The right to publish my story?"

"No thank you, Darren already has that," Vancha booms from somewhere hidden.

"Bugger off already!" I shout.

"I can't recall giving you the actual right to publish my story now you mention it," Larten Crepsley says thoughtfully to me.

"Shut it and redo the scene Crepsley!" I snarl before things get out of hand.

16) Steve jumped from the stage and ran towards the exit. "One day!" he called over his shoulder and I could hear him laughing as he ran, a crazy kind of laugh. Then I stand up suddenly as Steve trips over his own feet and comes crashing to the ground.

"Ouch! Darren! Larten! A little help please, I think I've twisted my ankle," he whines.

17) "Cross your heart?" she asked.

"Cross my heart."

"Swear on your eyes"

"Cross my eyes," I promised.

_(Laughter)_

"What?" I demand.

18) I knew all too well what it really was. It was a coffin! I gulped, then walked carefully over to the coffin. Suddenly the lid flies off and hits the ceiling and a figure wearing a black cape with a pure white face and red eyes sits up in the coffin. I scream and fall backwards.

"Help!" I cry.

_(roars of laughter)_

"Yes! Vancha one, Darren zero!" Vancha yells triumphantly, climbing out of the coffin and wiping the face-paint off of his face. He pops out his contact lenses but drops them on the ground when I hit him.

19) Madam Octa lowered her head, quick as a snake, and sunk her poison tipped fangs deep into his neck! Steve starts to giggle and flicks the spider off.

"Steve! What are you doing! You're supposed to collapse to the floor, you're dying remember? You're paralysed with fear!" I cry.

"Sorry Darren, sorry, it's just she's really fuzzy, she's tickling me, it feels funny," Steve laughs.

"Can we never make friends?" I asked.

"You can't," Vancha growls, "You're an ugly smelly git!"

"Vancha! I scream, throwing myself at him. "That's the seventieth take you've ruined. Go back to Hunters of the Dusk where you belong!"


	2. The Vampire's Assistant

_**The Vampire's Assist Out-takes**_

There was a brief struggle , then Stanley was sliding to the floor, unconscious, unseeing, unknowing. Above him the two creatures of the night moved in for the feed.

"I thought you said he was a pizza man," Larten Crepsley whines and then bursts into fits of laughter.

"Ha ha very funny," I say sarcastically, "From the top people!"

As soon as the blood oozed out, he clamped his mouth around the cut and sucked.

" Mmm… is this raspberry sauce or strawberry, it really beats the ketchup you used last time," Larten says, licking his lips.

"Larten! Couldn't you save it till we'd finished the scene?" I groan.

"Oops, I am sorry Darren," he replies looking sheepish.

The crunch came when Danny pinched me in a _very _painful place! Even vampires have their limits! I gave a roar and crouched down, wincing from the pain. Danny laughed and sped away with the ball.

"Come back here you gay little ! I'll rip your limbs off you little !"

"Darren you can't write that!" Evra gasps, reading over my shoulder.

"Yeah but realistically that's what you'd yell wouldn't you?" I point out.

"Yes but this is a kids book Darren, you still can't write that," Evra tells me. I no.

"I'll cut it out then," I sigh.

"Darren," he said, "What do you think about going back and becoming a freak?"

"Excuse me!" I demand.

(_laughter)_

"What did I do?" Larten asks innocently but I can see the ghost of a smirk playing at his lips.

"You'd better answer," he warned, "Or I'll tell her to take your eyes out."

"I…I…I'm Duh- Duh,"

"Duh-brain, ok," Evra interrupts, grinning.

"Evra!" I groan, "You spoilt my moment! I'm trying to be scared out of my wits!"

"You sound like an idiot," Evra tells me helpfully.

"Evra Von what?" I asked.

"Evra Von Schlieffenberg Einstien Winglberg Hummingdick of the seventh order of mutated reptiles in human form, pleased to meet you old bean," Evra says, bowing deeply and speaking in a posh voice, pretending to hook his thumbs under invisible braces.

"You, Evra Von, are going to be the death of me," I sigh.

"I don't have any snot," Evra said.

"Snot? No what?" I ask.

"You did it again," Evra hisses, I swear loudly.

_( take two)_

"I don't have any snot," Evra said.

"No snot? What?" I ask. "Oh for the love of God! I hate this bloody line!"

"Do you want to come over in the afternoon and hang out with us?"

"You bet," Sam whooped, then paused. "Darren, I have a problem with this whooping thing," he hisses at me, "I just don't think that I'm the sort of person to whoop, it doesn't fit my character, I'm too dignified to do something as stupid as whooping."

"Sam, do you want this job or not? I can easily get someone else. Just follow the damn script and stop being such a drama queen!" I growl back.

"Do you think he'd fit in if he did join the show?" I asked.

Evra snorted "Like a cat in a mouse full of houses!"

_(Laughter_)

"Nuts! I'll do it right in a minute Darren, promise," Evra sighs.

Do you think he'd fit in if he did join the show?" I asked.

Evra snorted "Like a cat in a house full of mice!"

"Evra, if you want I can just scrap that line," I sigh, trying to hide my smile.

"No, no, I can do it, give me another chance," Evra insists.

"But this is the twenty-seventh take on this scene," I tell him.

"I can do it, I'm not thick!" he snaps.

"Bradley Stench," Evra answered darkly.

_(laughter)_

"Who?" I ask, grinning.

"Bradley Stench," Evra repeats, looking confused.

"Bradley Stretch," I correct him.

"Bugger!" he curses and then blushes.

Jimmy slid out the body and whipped back the sheet. The body sits up and snarls like a rabid animal, I scream and fall over and then Vancha jumps down from the refrigerated coffin.

"This never gets old," he giggles and then skips off quickly before I can recover and throttle him.

"Go away Sam," I said sadly, "Go away and don't ever come back. It's safer this way. It's better. For both of us."

"Darren I… I… I love you man lets just face facts," Sam says, grinning.

"You've spoilt that whole chapter now, you prat!" I snap.

"Sam!" I screamed. I let go of Mr. Crepsley and rushed to where the boy was lying. The wolf man had torn Sam's belly open and eaten a lot of his insides. Amazingly Sam was still alive when I got to him. His eyelids were fluttering and he was breathing lightly.

"Sam, are you ok?" I asked.

"Fine, why do you ask?" Sam asks, sitting up and grinning. I scowl at him and push him back to the ground.

"Sam! You can't die! Sam! Stay alive! You can join the Cirque and travel with us all over the world. You can… you…"

"Boo!" Sam yells, lunging at me and knocking me over.

"Sam!" I scream at him, " Stop messing about!"

"Why do I die?" Sam demands.

"Because it's unexpected and gripping," I reply.

"Is it because I'm smarter than you, are you jealous?" Sam asks suspiciously, "I can sue you know!"

"Sam! Shut up!" I growl.

"It's just so stereotypical that smart people are nerds and can't look after themselves, it makes me sick it really does…" Sam waffles on and on for a few minutes. And then I spot Larten Crepsley come up behind him, tap him on the shoulder and breathe gas into his face, knocking him unconscious.


	3. Tunnels of Blood

_**Tunnels of Blood Out-Takes**_

"Hey Lefty!" I shouted, "How's it going?"

"Alright but we need a bit more!" Harkat calls back. I sigh and cover my face with my hands.

"You can't talk yet remember?" I say, trying not to shout.

"Oops, oh yeah, sorry Darren!" Harkat yells.

"Old habits die hard," he smiled.

"But old vampires die easy!" a voice growled behind us and before I knew what was happening, someone had reached around the two of us and pressed a pair of razor sharp knives to the soft flesh of our throats! Our attacker suddenly starts to laugh, snorting where he's trying to stop himself.

"Sorry! Sorry!" he chokes through giggles, "I can't help it, Darren was pulling a funny face, let's go again."

"Gavner!" I groan.

_Take two_

"Old habits die hard," he smiled.

"But old vampires… ha ha ha! I'm sorry I can't help it! It's the face, Darren, your face!" Gavner roars, holding his sides.

"What's wrong with my face?" I demand, outraged.

"I dunno you just look so dumb!" Gavner snorts.

"I'm supposed to be looking frightened," I grumble.

"Sorry you're just making me laugh, it is a funny face isn't it Larten?" he giggles.

"It is quite comical," Larten Crepsley admits so I hit him over the head with the flat of my hand.

"Kurda, Kurda, Kurda," Mr. Crepsley sighed. "I always could hear you coming from half a mile away."

"I'm Gavner," Gavner corrects him. Mr. Crepsley swears, spits and then blushes.

"Again?" he asks me, I nod impatiently.

"I'll tell you all about it, as soon as Larten's back is turned.

As Mr. Crepsley spun round, with fire in his eyes, the Vampires General quickly raised his hands and laughed. Then he stops and looks desperately at me.

"I've forgotten my line," he says, biting his bottom lip and looking sheepish.

"It's 'Only joking'," I sigh.

"Thanks," Gavner says, winking at me.

"Have it your own way," Mr. Crepsley rose, " I will go and clear it with Hi… hi… Hibi…Charna's guts! That bloody name!" Mr. Crepsley swears. "My mouth is not working properly today Darren, forgive me."

"It's 'Hibernius'," I giggle, happy to see Larten getting something wrong for once, an effect of that thing I slipped in his ale perhaps?

_take two_

"Have it your own way," Mr. Crepsley rose, "I will go and clear it with Hibernating… Hibernafifthe… Hi… Hi… I'm going to bed!" Larten grumbles and marches away leaving me at the mercy of the fit of giggles that have hold of me.

"Why Darren," she laughed, "People will think you fancy me."

I suddenly burst out laughing.

"What?" Debbie asks.

"Sorry, sorry, that's just such a stupid mushy line!" I say quietly, suddenly ashamed of myself for having laughed like that, I realise that I'm almost as bad as Gavner and that slaps a straight face back on me.

Debbie swished on confidently ahead of me. A couple of steps into the room she spotted Evra and stopped.

"Oh my God he's a freak!" she squeals.

"Debbie!" I groan.

"Sorry," she says, giving me a grin, "I couldn't resist being realistic."

"That's the grossest, greatest thing I've ever seen!" Debbie howled when Evra demonstrated his nostril-licking abilities, "Except from you of course Darren," she adds, smirking. I scowl at her.

"Hey if you're going to put that line in there for me you know you're asking for trouble!" she says defensively.

I hung just beneath the window and waited for Debbie to appear. About twenty minutes later, the light in Debbie's room snapped on. I rapped softly on the glass with my bare knuckles, then rapped again, a little harder. Footsteps approached. Suddenly the windows fly open and I let go of my grip on the wall in surprise, I fall backwards and land with a very hard, very painful thump on the pavement two storeys below. The next thing I know is that someone's tipped a bucket of freezing cold water all over me. I look up and see Debbie peering at me out of the window, a triumphant, satisfied grin on her face.

"That's what you get for being a filthy dirty pervert," she calls down to me and then shuts the window. I vow to myself that I will get her back!

I yelled as I bounded after him, screaming loudly, partly to shock him out of his attack, partly because I was so horrified by what I was doing. Suddenly I slip over on the slippery floor and go skidding into Mr. Crepsley who I land on top of awkwardly. I go to stand up and then bang my head on one of the hooks with the animal carcasses on.

"I hate this set!" I scream.

13) "Evra!" I screamed, dashing forward.

Evra emerges from behind the door.

"Sorry Darren were you worried about me? I went to get another hot dog… they're slightly addictive!" he grins.

"Debbie put you up to this didn't she," I groan. He nods, still grinning. "I swear she's trying to kill me!" I grumble, she just keeps getting me!

14)"Evra won't be able to come," I said shortly.

"Why not?"

"Because he's an aggravating git who agrees to do your dirty work for you!" I snarl and then smile smugly at her.

"Oh well done Darren, that's a quarter of a point to you I'm sure!" Debbie replies sarcastically, destroying my victory in one sentence.

15) Murlough spat at me in disgust. His spit bounced back off the grille and lands in his eye.

"Darren!" he whines, "Do I have to spit! That's the third time today it's gone all over Murlough! All over my lovely clean, crisp suit! I swear you're doing this to me on purpose, you've never liked young Murlough, no you haven't, not from day one, never, never, never."

I sigh.

"Try aiming then honey buns!" I reply sweetly, deciding to humour him.

16) "Who's there?" I asked shakily. A dry chuckle answered me. "Who is that?" I gasped. "Mr. Crepsley? Is that you? Did you follow me down? Is it-"

"No," a voice whispered in my ear. "It's not."

"Vancha!" I groan. "Where did Murlough go?"

"He needed to take a pee so I thought it would be the ideal opportunity to wind you up some more!" Vancha booms and then roars with laughter while I just stand there, steaming.

17) A groan stopped me short. Turning, I noticed I wasn't alone. Somebody else was strung upside down, a couple of metres away.

"Who's that?" I asked, certain it was Mr. Crepsley. "Who's there?"

"Father bloody Christmas!" a voice giggles.

"Debbie! You just spoilt the whole scene!" I moan.

"Well I thought if you could hang below my window for twenty minutes then I could hang upside down in a tunnel for a while, kissey- poo's?" Debbie says innocently.

"You irritating cow bag!" I scream.

18) He began pushing us, so that we were soon swinging about wildly. I felt sick. Suddenly the rope attached to my ankles snaps and I fall heavily to the floor. I wriggle around on the floor and then pull off the rope and study it, it's frayed in several places, looking as though it's been cut with a knife… Debbie!

19) He left the hand there a moment, then yanked back sharply bringing guts and a torrent of dark blood with it. Murlough groaned and collapsed to his knees, then he suddenly stands up and rushes over to me.

"Bucket!" he squeals.

"What?" I ask, confused and irritated.

"I'm gonna…" but Murlough didn't finish and the next thing I know he's bent over, puking all over the carpet. "I'm sorry," he says, emerging after a while. "It's just so disgusting, I couldn't help it… it's so realistic, I thought… sorry."

"You're weird," I tell him.

"_I'm _weird Darren Shan? As soon as we're finished I'm calling a doctor, the stuff you write isn't healthy, I think you need a psychiatrist or something…"

I shut him up with a quick kick on his shin.

20) "Merry Christmas, Debbie," I said softly, then turned and left, and went to rescue Evra.

"You get back here Darren Shan! I'm, not finished with you yet!" Debbie yells, sitting up in bed suddenly and pulling me back by my trousers. "Endangering my life, then leaving without so much as a goodbye or a Christmas present?" she says, outraged and then pulls me into a kiss and won't let go no matter how much I try and squirm away from her.


End file.
